CAT PLANNING SOMETHING OR ANOTHER, SAYS OWNER

A Nottingham woman yesterday accused a cat of plotting against her.

Sheena Rimmer, 52 from Plumtree believes that Mister Nibbles, a nine year old domestic shorthair, is biding his time before putting into motion a sequence of catastrophic and devastating events which will result in her violent and bloody death.

“To the layman Mister Nibbles appears to be a good natured cat who sleeps a lot and vacantly stares into the middle distance,” explained Mrs Rimmer, “but then I catch him glowering at me as if he wished me dead.”

“And all that time spent sleeping, well it’s not natural is it? He’s up to something, that’s for sure.”

Local RSPCA Office Alan Tench disagrees, and believes Mister Nibbles is being mistreated by his owner.

“There’s no sign of any threat,” insisted Tench.

“There is no good reason for any cat to be treated in this manner. We are concerned that Mister Nibbles is being victimised. It is not as though he has brought this on himself.”

“While it’s true most cats are viciously evil, they’re also bone idle; that and their lack of opposable thumbs makes pre-meditated murder unlikely.”

Mrs Rimmer remains unconvinced, and despite having no evidence to support her theory, she believes the feline to have dark intentions.

“I don’t know what else to say, I just know Mister Nibbles is evil. And not in a good way.”

“It’s the eyes. They say die woman, die.”

“Die.”

YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? It certainly wasn’t you. Or was it?

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
You wear your heart on your sleeve, metaphorically speaking, until this week when a drunk driver sees to it the organs adorn your garments for real.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are destined to be unlucky in love not just this week, but forever. Accept you will never enjoy true companionship, close the curtains, crack open a bottle of poppers and settle down to an evening of strong European pornography.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
A chance meeting in a bar leads you to discover the secret of alchemy. Having turned everything and everyone you ever loved into solid gold by the end of the week, you kill yourself. The end.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
If a girl says no, she means no. Some girls may be thinking yes, however. If a guy says no, he probably means yes. Unless he definitely means no. Only your own skill and judgement will see you escape arrest at the bi-sexual swingers dinner party on Tuesday.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
All you want is a chance to prove yourself to those you love. After the incident with your nephew’s toenails and the secateurs, you may be left waiting a little longer.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
They say time heals all wounds. Perhaps they weren’t referring to the irreversible severing of your spinal cord by the immense weight of a toppled grandfather clock.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
You could have sworn the jar of Sharwood’s Jalfrezi cooking sauce was £1.39, but the self-service till charges you £1.59. An early sign of debilitating dementia, or a Machiavellian conspiracy to break your will?

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Destiny has an S in her name on Wednesday. Or maybe an A. Or a T. Anyway, it’s definitely a woman. Or a man. Or it might be Thursday.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
You’re not the only one hearing voices in your head this week, but you will be the only one to use them as a defense when you’re discovered wearing the entrails of a local prostitute as a scarf.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Your financial woes continue this week, until a knight in shining armour arrives. Bludgeoning him to death with the base of your favourite lamp and selling his armour to a pawnbroker successfully resolves your debt issue.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
As a nuclear physicist, you’re only too aware that relationships at work are a bad idea, especially after subjecting your new love to deadly gamma radiation on Friday.

COURT ORDER TAKEN OUT AGAINST STRIKING PRISONERS

The Ministry of Justice has been granted a High Court injunction against a national strike by thousands of prisoners.

The surprise walkout, intended to last at least 24 hours, saw many prisons release murderers and rapists in towns and cities across England and Wales.

Earlier this year an independent review body recommended to ministers that prisoners be paid up to £20,000 per annum, over £2,000 more than the basic pay for a prison officer.

The review body reasoned that without prisoners then prisons would have to close, making thousands of officers and staff redundant.

“There has to be some sort of incentive for a person to want to be in prison,” commented Nick Jefferies of the Public Office for Prison Relations, “because it can mean time away from loved ones, televisions with only basic channel packages, poor food and the occasional anal violation.”

“Prisons are one of this government’s few success stories – they’re full to capacity which is great news for the economy.”

“Maintaining those kind of numbers isn’t cheap though – the government can’t have it both ways.”

Lawyers for the Ministry of Justice told the High Court the strike had meant there are over 20,000 prisoners released into the public yesterday.

But convicted murderer Jack “the Skinner” Jackson, responsible for the slaying of 17 prostitutes in 1987, insisted the strike is necessary.

“We’ll all be back our cells tomorrow, because this strike isn’t about freedom – it’s about making a point to the Government,” said the 47 year-old widower as he finished lining his unmarked transit van with polythene sheeting.

COMIC DEATH TOLL “IN THE HUNDREDS” SAY FRINGE ORGANISERS

Calls for the Edinburgh Fringe to be scrapped gained momentum yesterday, after organisers announced over 250 performers had died at this year’s event.

The shocking figures were released on the last day of the Fringe, which saw 31,000 performances of over 2,000 shows.

At least 75 acts were pronounced dead on stage before the end of the first week. Six comedians are still thought to be on life support at the nearby Murrayfield Hospital.

Those calling for the Fringe to be postponed indefinitely lashed out at the event committee, declaring their actions “reckless and cruel”.

“Their actions are reckless and cruel,” said Jenny Copperswaite, whose husband Barry died at the 2004 Fringe, ” and I’d go so far to suggest it’s tantamount to manslaughter.”

“The acts are forced to work up to an hour a day, every day for a month (except the 13th), living in bars and delis, drinking six or seven pints a day, putting on weight and taking drugs like they’re wagon wheels,” explained Copperswaite, “yet the organisers do nothing except shit on all the money they’ve screwed out the acts and the audience.”

The highest profile act to die at this year’s event was Robin Ince, performing his solo show Robin Ince Knew This Would Happen.

“I’d almost made it through to the end of the Fringe, and then I died on the last night,” said Ince.

“The show just fell apart. I’m devastated.”

BIG CAT SIGHTED IN GARDEN

Another big cat has been sighted in Exeter, just weeks after children spotted one in nearby Whitestone.

Martin Cruickshank, from Whipton saw what he believes to be an unidentified big cat in his garden.

According to Cruickshank, the cat was black in colour and about the size of an small domestic cat, but a little bit bigger.

“It was there in front of me for about half a minute and I clearly saw that it was some sort of big cat.”

The animal ran off into bushes after leaping from a tree in Mr Cruickshank’s garden.

The sighting is the third in the past month. Two horse riders were startled by what they believed to be a slightly overweight cat in Christow on July 19.

Friends Hayley Brown and friend Helen Chimperley spotted a wild cat about the size of a cat. The animal ran off into bushes after leaping from a tree.

Meanwhile, a second sighting in Topsham on August 12 has left three children too scared to go out to play by themselves.

Sisters Sarah and Rachel Dent, aged 10 and nine respectively, and their friend Peter Perterson, aged nine, were playing on wasteland at the end of their road after school.

They saw a normal sized black cat, but with a wide head, run across the wasteland and into bushes.

TOURISTS NUMBER ONE CAUSE OF CONGESTION IN NYC

New York City is to limit the number of tourists to the city beginning next year, after a new study cited visitors as the primary cause of congestion and pollution.

Mayor Bloomberg himself is known to have spat on both domestic and international tourists from his apartment window and has played up the economic advantages of a pricing plan that would help reduce tourists.

“Congestion pricing is about reducing the time it takes to get to one place from another, so it is about the future of this city and its economy and its competitiveness. Imagine how quickly I could get from home to work if there weren’t people everywhere.”

Mr Bloomberg is fighting stiff resistance to his plan, including in the state capital, Albany, where opposition meant that New York City failed to get a $500 million federal grant to implement the plan as a pilot project.

The US Department of Transportation did award $345 million to the five boroughs of New York City, but this will mostly be used to demolish the Lower East Side to make away for a new Starbucks.

Mayor Bloomberg also pointed out his proposal was about improving the quality of life for genuine New Yorkers and friends of the Mayor’s family.

“I just for the life of me do not understand how anybody is going to look their kids in the eye and say, this used to be a wonderful place, but now you can’t move for overweight trailer trash from Utah – we could have done something about it, but we didn’t.”

A panel has now been set up in Albany to review the mayor’s plan, which would impose an $8 daily tax on the Japanese and a $21 charge for anyone from Florida.

GOVERNMENT CLOSE ALL HOSPITALS TO REDUCE WAITING LISTS

Controversial plans to close every hospital in the country will be announced by the Government on Monday, the daily Daily has learnt.

The proposal will mean over 80,000 redundancies and a total absence of public healthcare in the UK by March next year. “We’ve seen time and again that by closing smaller hospitals, we reduce waiting lists and improve care for patients,” explained Alan Johnson, Minister for Health.

“Therefore it follows that if we close the rest of them, then people will be healed within moments of illness or injury occurring, without the Government spending any money whatsoever.”

“In fact I can state without hesitation, that closing all hospitals will immediately reduce waiting lists to zero.”

Thousands of patients have signed petitions or joined marches to express their concern about their local hospitals been closed, though many have already been sold to developers for a variety of projects. In Manchester, the roof of the Royal Infirmary is to be removed next month and the building filled with sea water, read for the launch of Cephalopod World in 2008.

Residents have complained to authorities of the risk posed by giant squid attacking cars and pedestrians on nearby Oxford Road with their enormous tentacles.

If the scheme proves successful, then the cabinet may consider plans to mothball fire departments across the country, close police stations and disband the armed forces.

“We’d usually say something like the savings will be put into education, but think how much your child will learn if we shut all the schools, too.” “Obviously Government couldn’t be improved by reducing the number of ministers. That wouldn’t work at all.”

A spokesperson for the Conservative party branded the plans “fucking ludicrous, in more ways than there are numbers.”

WASHINGTON MAN DEVASTATED AT LACK OF IMAGINATION

A North East resident has hit out at his own inability to conjure up ideas, thoughts and scenarios beyond those he has already experienced on a day-to-day basis.

The damning accusation follows an incident yesterday at the Keel Boat public house in Fatfield, Washington, where Colin Bakewell, 29, was asked to imagine what he’d do if he won the lottery.

“Anyone can say they’d look after friends and family, jack in work, buy a big house then put the rest in a high yield account and live off the interest,” explained Bakewell, ” but I wanted to think outside the box on this one, blow my mates away with some new thinking, and I just couldn’t do it.”

According to Bakewell, it’s not the first time that his imagination has failed to provide a hypothetical situation under pressure.

“When my grandmother died last May, the vicar asked the congregation to consider a world without Jesus in our lives. Fair question. But even then, with Nana smiling down at me from Heaven, I just couldn’t do it. My mind went completely blank.”

“To say I was embarrassed is a massive understatement. The wake was unusually sombre, and there’s no doubt that my shortcomings in the daydream department were to blame.”

Bakewell – a centre-lathe turner at Reynold’s Industrial Machinery Ltd in Team Valley Industrial Estate, Gateshead – last night attempted to vocalise his despair.

“I really wish I could articulate how appalled I am with myself. But I can’t even begin to think of the words.”

MAN MURDERED FOR STEALING WI-FI

A man was hung to death yesterday, for using a wi-fi broadband connection without permission.

The 29 year old was arrested by police officers on Bond Street in Ealing, west London, on Tuesday. They became suspicious when they saw the man using his laptop outside a house, most likely to view hardcore pornography.

When questioned, the man admitted to using a private unsecured wi-fi broadband connection. Before he could be detained by the officers, a group of up to two dozen people confronted the officers. Refusing to hand over the man, the officers were beaten by the gang like “a bag of slugs” according to one eye-witness.

The man was then dragged by his head along Broadway to Ealing Common, where the savage mob repeatedly stabbed the man in the guts with pitchforks while several others threw a noose over the branch of a nearby tree.

Shocked members of the public looked on helplessly as the man screamed for mercy before being hoisted up into the foliage, his body writhing as the last breath expired from his bruised and punctured lungs. The group chanted “death to the infidel” and set fire to the body as it swung in the gentle summer breeze, while others indulged in penetrative sex against trees before the authorities arrived.

The case is now being handled by the Metropolitan Police’s computer crime unit. Detective Constable Micky Jambun said: “While the death of the individual responsible is unfortunate, this incident should act as a warning to anyone using broadband connections without permission.”

“Stealing wi-fi is not a petty crime; it’s right up there with rape and murder. Hanging was too good for that bastard.”

YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
Would you rather be too hot or too cold? The late night pub teaser takes a perilous turn when your dynamite-packed jeep explodes in the Antarctic on Wednesday.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
In an incredibly dull twist of fate, you think you see 80’s pop star Tiffany across the road in a restaurant window, but you can’t be sure and you aren’t that bothered anyway, to be honest.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
It seems that life can’t possibly get any worse for you on Tuesday. But then, in spectacular style, it just does.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
Love – it has been said many times before – changes everything. You’re weren’t however, expecting it to change the locks on the front door, throw your now-crotchless trousers out the bedroom window and daub “CHEATING BASTARD” in red paint over the windscreen of your new Audi.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
While rape and murder are no laughing matter, you can’t help yourself when you take to the witness stand on Monday.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
As the moon of love sets slowly on your reading this week, the sun of despair, hopelessness and stalking-like tendencies rises on Sunday.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Self-confidence has never been your strongest character trait. Or has it? You’re just not sure anymore.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
You’re savagely beaten, cut open like a sack of bruised meat, buried in a deep, airless grave and left to die with no hope of survival on Tuesday. But to prove the old adage that every cloud has a silver lining, you won’t have to pay the higher-than-expected quarterly gas bill that arrives tomorrow.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Affairs of the heart dominate your week, when your pericardium discovers the right ventricle in bed with the left atrium.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
You discover life is indeed like a box of chocolates on Friday dinnertime, when a bus mounts the pavement at speed and takes you under the wheels, cracking open your hard exterior and allowing the soft gooey filling to spill all over the street.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
They’ll never find the body in that canal. Or will they? Doubt creeps in on Tuesday.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, equating to a personal inventory of four birds and two bushes – an undeniable statistic that proves fruitful when you decide to start up your own aviary on Friday.