BBC AXES NONEXISTENT TV CHANNEL TO PACIFY GOVERNMENT

16 10 2007

The BBC has decommissioned a digital tv channel before it was planned, to satisfy spending cuts to the corporation.

BBC 5 was described in an internal document as a “channel for fisters, fistees and lube” before the plug was pulled by officials.

With budget cuts on the way, there have been calls to close a channel in order to safeguard quality in other areas. Digital TV channels BBC Three and Four are safe from the axe “at the moment”.

Up to 2,800 jobs are reportedly at risk as he attempts to deal with a £2bn budget shortfall caused by a smaller than hoped-for licence fee settlement.

“BBC Three is targeted at young people without a developed sense of humour, which we know to be an audience the BBC doesn’t adequately cover, and BBC Four tries to capture what we might call the best-informed social deviants,” said chairman Sir Michael Lyons.

The BBC Trust had hoped that merely inventing the concept of a station only to close it down, thereby saving millions of imaginary pounds would be enough for the government to reconsider the settlement.

“It’s true part of the BBC’s ambition to touch every part of the audience, to offer something special to every single licence fee payer.”

“However, BBC 5 would have been aimed at a very narrow demographic. Fisting, though hugely enjoyable, is not widely practised and would not have been an effective spend of the license fee,” concluded Lyons.

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YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

3 10 2007

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
Your hope of finding true love may be fading faster than Declan Donnelly’s hairline, but there’s no excuse for necrophilia, as the police remind you on Sunday.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You had thought vinegar strokes was some sort of swimming activity, until too much tequila and a trip to the toilets with a stag party from Salford on Friday night teaches you otherwise.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ve never been backward in coming forward. The fact you are backward to begin with confuses a very simple matter tomorrow.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
Your life is put into perspective on Wednesday when a chance meeting with your school maths teacher reminds you that money doesn’t make the world go round, it’s the conservation of angular momentum.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
You’ll have a normal week and nothing untoward will happen, going entirely against your stars which have you down as a torso job in a shallow grave by Thursday.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
Despite what others may tell you, alcohol is your friend. When you wake up in your own faeces and vomit on Friday morning, dear old Jim Beam will help you forget about it. That’s what friends are for.

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Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. On Sunday.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Your addiction to Facebook becomes so overwhelming on Tuesday, you begin commenting on irrelevant activities you’re carrying out every few minutes, and in the third person.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
The light at the end of the tunnel does indeed prove to be an oncoming train on Tuesday. To rub further salt into the wound, the trolley service will have run out of hot water.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Who are you? Who who, who who? Intrigue gets the better of you Friday.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
While lodging a formal complaint with HR concerning your line manager’s sexual discrimination seems a reasonable course of action, it not quite as satisfying as pushing him down seven flights of concrete steps, as you learn on Monday.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
You’re disappointed to learn this week that the silver lining to the cloud is in fact a tourist-packed 747 disintegrating mid-air due to metal fatigue.