25 08 2007

Controversial plans to close every hospital in the country will be announced by the Government on Monday, the daily Daily has learnt.

The proposal will mean over 80,000 redundancies and a total absence of public healthcare in the UK by March next year. “We’ve seen time and again that by closing smaller hospitals, we reduce waiting lists and improve care for patients,” explained Alan Johnson, Minister for Health.

“Therefore it follows that if we close the rest of them, then people will be healed within moments of illness or injury occurring, without the Government spending any money whatsoever.”

“In fact I can state without hesitation, that closing all hospitals will immediately reduce waiting lists to zero.”


Thousands of patients have signed petitions or joined marches to express their concern about their local hospitals been closed, though many have already been sold to developers for a variety of projects. In Manchester, the roof of the Royal Infirmary is to be removed next month and the building filled with sea water, read for the launch of Cephalopod World in 2008.

Residents have complained to authorities of the risk posed by giant squid attacking cars and pedestrians on nearby Oxford Road with their enormous tentacles.

If the scheme proves successful, then the cabinet may consider plans to mothball fire departments across the country, close police stations and disband the armed forces.

“We’d usually say something like the savings will be put into education, but think how much your child will learn if we shut all the schools, too.” “Obviously Government couldn’t be improved by reducing the number of ministers. That wouldn’t work at all.”

A spokesperson for the Conservative party branded the plans “fucking ludicrous, in more ways than there are numbers.”




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