YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

3 10 2007

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
Your hope of finding true love may be fading faster than Declan Donnelly’s hairline, but there’s no excuse for necrophilia, as the police remind you on Sunday.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You had thought vinegar strokes was some sort of swimming activity, until too much tequila and a trip to the toilets with a stag party from Salford on Friday night teaches you otherwise.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ve never been backward in coming forward. The fact you are backward to begin with confuses a very simple matter tomorrow.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
Your life is put into perspective on Wednesday when a chance meeting with your school maths teacher reminds you that money doesn’t make the world go round, it’s the conservation of angular momentum.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
You’ll have a normal week and nothing untoward will happen, going entirely against your stars which have you down as a torso job in a shallow grave by Thursday.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
Despite what others may tell you, alcohol is your friend. When you wake up in your own faeces and vomit on Friday morning, dear old Jim Beam will help you forget about it. That’s what friends are for.

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Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. On Sunday.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Your addiction to Facebook becomes so overwhelming on Tuesday, you begin commenting on irrelevant activities you’re carrying out every few minutes, and in the third person.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
The light at the end of the tunnel does indeed prove to be an oncoming train on Tuesday. To rub further salt into the wound, the trolley service will have run out of hot water.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Who are you? Who who, who who? Intrigue gets the better of you Friday.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
While lodging a formal complaint with HR concerning your line manager’s sexual discrimination seems a reasonable course of action, it not quite as satisfying as pushing him down seven flights of concrete steps, as you learn on Monday.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
You’re disappointed to learn this week that the silver lining to the cloud is in fact a tourist-packed 747 disintegrating mid-air due to metal fatigue.

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YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

17 09 2007

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
A red sky at night may be a shepherd’s delight, but it’s not his house on fire with his family trapped inside, is it?

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
They say if you remember the 60’s, you weren’t really there. They don’t say if you had sex with your girlfriend’s mother and you do remember it, quite vividly as it happens, then it obviously didn’t happen. Because it did.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
Love may be blind but it has a very keen sense of smell, as you discover on Saturday.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
Fate asks a cruel decision of you on Wednesday – will you save the child from the falling scaffolding, or film it on your phone for £250 from You’ve Been Framed?

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
Home is where the heart is, although detectives will discover the rest of your limbless torso in an overgrown field on Sunday.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
A song you were humming starts playing on the radio moments later – a sign you have begun developing precognitive powers on your ascension to a higher plane of existence, or a dramatic warning they are close to perfecting their mind control beam?

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Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
You fulfill your childhood fantasy of running away with the circus on Friday, without considering the transient nature of the lifestyle, the below-minimum wages or the sheer volume of excreta elephants can create for a new keeper.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Office romances inevitably fail, as you realise on Tuesday morning upon the discovery of your cat jammed in the photocopier.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Would you rather sleep with the head of Johnny Vegas on the body of George Clooney, or the head of George Clooney on the body of Johnny Vegas? An unplanned genetics experiment at a West End premiere makes this gestalt-like nightmare a reality on Wednesday.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
Destiny reveals a vital clue on Friday, in your quest for the true identity of Jack The Ripper – a monogrammed handkerchief stained in the blood of a Victorian whore.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Despite being a Cancerian, the doctor at the GUM clinic diagnoses your case as gonorrhoea. You spend the rest of the Thursday lamenting the loss of an ironic punchline to your one night stand in Magaluf.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
You’re very well aware you’re no oil portrait, but you find comparisons to a Picasso on Thursday particularly cruel.





YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

30 08 2007

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? It certainly wasn’t you. Or was it?

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
You wear your heart on your sleeve, metaphorically speaking, until this week when a drunk driver sees to it the organs adorn your garments for real.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are destined to be unlucky in love not just this week, but forever. Accept you will never enjoy true companionship, close the curtains, crack open a bottle of poppers and settle down to an evening of strong European pornography.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
A chance meeting in a bar leads you to discover the secret of alchemy. Having turned everything and everyone you ever loved into solid gold by the end of the week, you kill yourself. The end.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
If a girl says no, she means no. Some girls may be thinking yes, however. If a guy says no, he probably means yes. Unless he definitely means no. Only your own skill and judgement will see you escape arrest at the bi-sexual swingers dinner party on Tuesday.

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Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
All you want is a chance to prove yourself to those you love. After the incident with your nephew’s toenails and the secateurs, you may be left waiting a little longer.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
They say time heals all wounds. Perhaps they weren’t referring to the irreversible severing of your spinal cord by the immense weight of a toppled grandfather clock.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
You could have sworn the jar of Sharwood’s Jalfrezi cooking sauce was £1.39, but the self-service till charges you £1.59. An early sign of debilitating dementia, or a Machiavellian conspiracy to break your will?

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Destiny has an S in her name on Wednesday. Or maybe an A. Or a T. Anyway, it’s definitely a woman. Or a man. Or it might be Thursday.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
You’re not the only one hearing voices in your head this week, but you will be the only one to use them as a defense when you’re discovered wearing the entrails of a local prostitute as a scarf.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Your financial woes continue this week, until a knight in shining armour arrives. Bludgeoning him to death with the base of your favourite lamp and selling his armour to a pawnbroker successfully resolves your debt issue.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
As a nuclear physicist, you’re only too aware that relationships at work are a bad idea, especially after subjecting your new love to deadly gamma radiation on Friday.





YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

22 08 2007

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
Would you rather be too hot or too cold? The late night pub teaser takes a perilous turn when your dynamite-packed jeep explodes in the Antarctic on Wednesday.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
In an incredibly dull twist of fate, you think you see 80’s pop star Tiffany across the road in a restaurant window, but you can’t be sure and you aren’t that bothered anyway, to be honest.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
It seems that life can’t possibly get any worse for you on Tuesday. But then, in spectacular style, it just does.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
Love – it has been said many times before – changes everything. You’re weren’t however, expecting it to change the locks on the front door, throw your now-crotchless trousers out the bedroom window and daub “CHEATING BASTARD” in red paint over the windscreen of your new Audi.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
While rape and murder are no laughing matter, you can’t help yourself when you take to the witness stand on Monday.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
As the moon of love sets slowly on your reading this week, the sun of despair, hopelessness and stalking-like tendencies rises on Sunday.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
Self-confidence has never been your strongest character trait. Or has it? You’re just not sure anymore.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
You’re savagely beaten, cut open like a sack of bruised meat, buried in a deep, airless grave and left to die with no hope of survival on Tuesday. But to prove the old adage that every cloud has a silver lining, you won’t have to pay the higher-than-expected quarterly gas bill that arrives tomorrow.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Affairs of the heart dominate your week, when your pericardium discovers the right ventricle in bed with the left atrium.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
You discover life is indeed like a box of chocolates on Friday dinnertime, when a bus mounts the pavement at speed and takes you under the wheels, cracking open your hard exterior and allowing the soft gooey filling to spill all over the street.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
They’ll never find the body in that canal. Or will they? Doubt creeps in on Tuesday.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, equating to a personal inventory of four birds and two bushes – an undeniable statistic that proves fruitful when you decide to start up your own aviary on Friday.