26 09 2007

Ministers should not rule out the possibility of allowing apes to be used in experiments, the head of the UK’s Medical Research Council has said.

Professor Sheila Whiteless said such research was “essential” because the average UK resident was too stupid to take part in tests.

“The average joe is thick as pigshit,” confirmed Whiteless.


In 1997, the government said it would never approve ape research because they were too similar to humans, but there is no law prohibiting the practice.

“That’s exactly why we need to continue with the monkeys,” said Whiteless, “it’s because they’re pretty much the same as us, but without the mind-numbing minutiae of The Bill or Holby City.”

Supporters of animal testing were holding a rally in Oxford, dragging burning effigies of Gary Lucy through the street, while anti-vivisection campaigners were demonstrating in Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire.

Currently 2,800 non-human primates are used in medical research, but the Royal Society and the Academy of Medical Sciences are assessing whether genetically modified rats and mice could be used instead.

“Rats? Do me a favour,” interjects Whiteless. “Does anybody want to see a BBC2 documentary about transplanting the head of one rat onto the body of another? No. They don’t.”

“Can a rat carry a piano up and down the stairs, or make a cup of tea? No. It can’t.”



31 08 2007

A Nottingham woman yesterday accused a cat of plotting against her.

Sheena Rimmer, 52 from Plumtree believes that Mister Nibbles, a nine year old domestic shorthair, is biding his time before putting into motion a sequence of catastrophic and devastating events which will result in her violent and bloody death.

“To the layman Mister Nibbles appears to be a good natured cat who sleeps a lot and vacantly stares into the middle distance,” explained Mrs Rimmer, “but then I catch him glowering at me as if he wished me dead.”

“And all that time spent sleeping, well it’s not natural is it? He’s up to something, that’s for sure.”


Local RSPCA Office Alan Tench disagrees, and believes Mister Nibbles is being mistreated by his owner.

“There’s no sign of any threat,” insisted Tench.

“There is no good reason for any cat to be treated in this manner. We are concerned that Mister Nibbles is being victimised. It is not as though he has brought this on himself.”

“While it’s true most cats are viciously evil, they’re also bone idle; that and their lack of opposable thumbs makes pre-meditated murder unlikely.”

Mrs Rimmer remains unconvinced, and despite having no evidence to support her theory, she believes the feline to have dark intentions.

“I don’t know what else to say, I just know Mister Nibbles is evil. And not in a good way.”

“It’s the eyes. They say die woman, die.”



27 08 2007

Another big cat has been sighted in Exeter, just weeks after children spotted one in nearby Whitestone.

Martin Cruickshank, from Whipton saw what he believes to be an unidentified big cat in his garden.

According to Cruickshank, the cat was black in colour and about the size of an small domestic cat, but a little bit bigger.


“It was there in front of me for about half a minute and I clearly saw that it was some sort of big cat.”

The animal ran off into bushes after leaping from a tree in Mr Cruickshank’s garden.

The sighting is the third in the past month. Two horse riders were startled by what they believed to be a slightly overweight cat in Christow on July 19.

Friends Hayley Brown and friend Helen Chimperley spotted a wild cat about the size of a cat. The animal ran off into bushes after leaping from a tree.

Meanwhile, a second sighting in Topsham on August 12 has left three children too scared to go out to play by themselves.

Sisters Sarah and Rachel Dent, aged 10 and nine respectively, and their friend Peter Perterson, aged nine, were playing on wasteland at the end of their road after school.

They saw a normal sized black cat, but with a wide head, run across the wasteland and into bushes.