YOUR STARS FOR THE WEEK AHEAD, WITH VAGINA CRABTREE BSc

30 08 2007

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
Who let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? It certainly wasn’t you. Or was it?

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
You wear your heart on your sleeve, metaphorically speaking, until this week when a drunk driver sees to it the organs adorn your garments for real.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You are destined to be unlucky in love not just this week, but forever. Accept you will never enjoy true companionship, close the curtains, crack open a bottle of poppers and settle down to an evening of strong European pornography.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
A chance meeting in a bar leads you to discover the secret of alchemy. Having turned everything and everyone you ever loved into solid gold by the end of the week, you kill yourself. The end.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
If a girl says no, she means no. Some girls may be thinking yes, however. If a guy says no, he probably means yes. Unless he definitely means no. Only your own skill and judgement will see you escape arrest at the bi-sexual swingers dinner party on Tuesday.

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Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
All you want is a chance to prove yourself to those you love. After the incident with your nephew’s toenails and the secateurs, you may be left waiting a little longer.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
They say time heals all wounds. Perhaps they weren’t referring to the irreversible severing of your spinal cord by the immense weight of a toppled grandfather clock.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
You could have sworn the jar of Sharwood’s Jalfrezi cooking sauce was £1.39, but the self-service till charges you £1.59. An early sign of debilitating dementia, or a Machiavellian conspiracy to break your will?

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Destiny has an S in her name on Wednesday. Or maybe an A. Or a T. Anyway, it’s definitely a woman. Or a man. Or it might be Thursday.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
You’re not the only one hearing voices in your head this week, but you will be the only one to use them as a defense when you’re discovered wearing the entrails of a local prostitute as a scarf.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Your financial woes continue this week, until a knight in shining armour arrives. Bludgeoning him to death with the base of your favourite lamp and selling his armour to a pawnbroker successfully resolves your debt issue.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
As a nuclear physicist, you’re only too aware that relationships at work are a bad idea, especially after subjecting your new love to deadly gamma radiation on Friday.

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