26 09 2007

Ministers should not rule out the possibility of allowing apes to be used in experiments, the head of the UK’s Medical Research Council has said.

Professor Sheila Whiteless said such research was “essential” because the average UK resident was too stupid to take part in tests.

“The average joe is thick as pigshit,” confirmed Whiteless.


In 1997, the government said it would never approve ape research because they were too similar to humans, but there is no law prohibiting the practice.

“That’s exactly why we need to continue with the monkeys,” said Whiteless, “it’s because they’re pretty much the same as us, but without the mind-numbing minutiae of The Bill or Holby City.”

Supporters of animal testing were holding a rally in Oxford, dragging burning effigies of Gary Lucy through the street, while anti-vivisection campaigners were demonstrating in Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire.

Currently 2,800 non-human primates are used in medical research, but the Royal Society and the Academy of Medical Sciences are assessing whether genetically modified rats and mice could be used instead.

“Rats? Do me a favour,” interjects Whiteless. “Does anybody want to see a BBC2 documentary about transplanting the head of one rat onto the body of another? No. They don’t.”

“Can a rat carry a piano up and down the stairs, or make a cup of tea? No. It can’t.”



25 09 2007

ITV presenter Jeremy Kyle has been shot dead, after falling down a flight of stairs.

The incident occurred at the network’s head office following a meeting between Kyle and senior management.

It is believed the mid-morning presenter fell only a few steps and twisted his left ankle, but that the injury was viewed by management as justification enough to have him executed.


Simon Shaps, Programme Director of ITV1 said it was necessary to prevent the viewing public from further suffering, and that Kyle’s best interests were ultimately at heart.

“Jeremy was a fiercely proud man,” Shaps told Trevor MacDonald for the Tonight programme.

“He would rather be put down like a rabid dog, then live life as a man with two healthy ankles, one of which was once slightly twisted.”

Kyle had recently found his daytime chat show the subject of tabloid headlines. Recent topics on the programme have included “he wanted to put it in my ear” and “your mother is your sister, you fucking goggle-eyed freak”.

The Daily Mail meanwhile, has ended its long-running campaign to expose Kyle as a Nazi.

The bloated, bloodied carcass is awaiting a post-mortem before being burnt on open wasteground in Maidstone. Rodents are thought to have gnawed away the most sinful parts of the body.


24 09 2007

Some murderers shouldn’t be in jail because they’re misunderstood by society, Lord Chief Justice Lord Phillips has said.

He voiced doubts as to whether murderers needed locking up at all, commenting that most seemed “a pretty decent sort”.


“Murderers, and in particular mass-murderers and serial killers, show an intense focus and attention to detail you rarely find in people today.”

Lord Phillips, speaking at the University of Birmingham on Thursday, said it was regrettable that the government and society in general “over-reacted” whenever a headless torso was dredged up from a river.

“Show me a man with a suit made of fresh skin hanging in his wardrobe, and I’ll show you a man who works methodically with purpose, drive and ambition. For me, these are qualities that should be applauded by their communities, not frowned upon.”

“The men and women who see these projects through to conclusion work hard in challenging conditions for little reward or thanks – more than can be said for the unemployed and homeless who are worthless leeches that should be clensed from sight.”

Previously, Lord Phillips has spoken out on a number of key issues in the past, including the question of whether bestiality is a crime if the animal in question is “smiling”.


23 09 2007

Porteguese police claim to have evidence linking Gerry and Kate McCann to murders attributed to Jack the Ripper.

Both parents of missing child Madeleine McCann were officially given “arguido” status after been questioned separately for more than 24 hours about the cases, which date back to 1888.

No bail conditions or charges have been imposed and both deny any involvement in murders of five Victorian prostitutes from the East End of London.


Jon Corner, a close family friend, said Kate McCann had told officers she could not provide an alibi for her whereabouts on August 31 1888, as she was not conceived until the following century.

Portuguese police spokesman Chief Inspector Olegario Sousa said that despite the lack of physical evidence, he had a “really good hunch” the McCanns had played a part in the brutal slayings.

“They have a keen medical knowledge, as the Ripper did,” stated Sousa at yesterday’s press conference outside Portimao police station.

“The fact that they weren’t born is a ruse. These are clever people we are dealing with.”


22 09 2007

The world of science could be thrown into turmoil by a Lancashire man, who claims that mankind’s entire sum of scientific knowledge is based on an incontrovertible falsehood.

“Every so often, the world science is turned on it’s head, and we have to re-evaluate how we look at the universe,” said John Hammond, a part time taxi driver from Gorton, East Manchester. “This is going to blow them away”.

It was last September while watching Think Of A Number on video that Hammond formulated his controversial theory, although details have only just been released.

“How many times have you described two scenarios that appear to have similar outcomes, as been ‘six of one and half a dozen of the other’?”

“Think about it. If you’ve got six items of an unspecified quantity, just try expressing that as a fraction. You can’t do it. Without knowing how many items there are in total, of which you have six, it’s impossible.”

“Now, if you have half a dozen of another item,” continued Hammond, who has never missed an editon of Horizon since 1986, “then you know without a shadow of a doubt, that you possess 50 percent of the total number of items.”

“What I’m trying to say, is that six of one clearly isn’t equal to half a dozen of the other. Not by a long shot. And if six doesn’t equal six, then one doesn’t equal one, and it’s back to the drawing board for every scientific principle we hold dear.”

41 year old Hammond believes once his theory is made public could lead to violent disagreements in the scientific community, resulting in suicide, murder and even civil war.

“You can’t argue with the facts as I’ve presented them. This is really big news. And yet the so-called greatest minds have missed it. Einstein didn’t spot it. Galileo missed it. It got past Paul McKenna. But sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees.”

“And if you think about it, that’s doesn’t make sense either. Woods are made of trees, so if you’re looking a collection of trees, then what you’re really seeing is a wood.”

21 09 2007


20 09 2007

Tenants at a flat in Nottingham were at loggerheads last night, after a long-running domestic dispute reached day three.

Dave Pemberton, an office clerk from Nuthall returned home from work, to find flatmate Ross Daniels washing glassware in the sink.

“It wasn’t my favourite pint glass by any stretch, it’s one of a few we’ve both used for beer, or water or orange if we’re really thirsty,” explained Pemberton, 24.

Pemberton claims junior marketing assistant Daniels, 22, failed to use either hot water or washing up liquid to clean the glass, opting instead for “a quick run under the cold tap and rub around the rim with his finger.”

“You don’t do that. If it’s your own then fair play, but not a communal glass. What’s all that about?”

Daniels admits to wiping clean the detritus from the glass rim with his digit, but denies opting for cold water during the procedure.

“Obviously it’s easier to use cold water, because it takes a while for the other tap to run out – the boilers in the basement. But it’s just not true. The water was from the red tap, not the blue. I’m 99.9% certain of that.”

“I don’t know what his problem is. He used my milk at the weekend to make scrambled eggs and I barely batted an eyelid.”

“You can hardly compare a splash of milk to cleaning a used glass with cold water,” countered Pemberton.

“And it was only a splash, too. Not like when he made sandwiches last week with my butter.”