19 03 2008

President George W Bush has thrown a surprise party to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq.

In the Oval office of the White House this afternoon, Bush prepared by hiding behind the curtains and giggling into his hand.

“It thinks its coming for some heavy meeting about strategic ground deployments in the northern provinces. Instead we’re going to have one hell of a night, dancing and drinking some wild turkey I put away for a special occasion.”

“It’s what the people of Iraq would want, and expect.”

Vice president Dick Cheney, who had spent the afternoon preparing the buffet, said it was a fraught time for all in government.

“Somebody forgot the paper plates, and then we couldn’t find the cocktail sticks for the pickled onion and cheese. It was touch and go for a moment, as you can imagine.”

The celebrations come amid criticism in the US of the war, with some opponents pointing to the rising cost of bouncy castle hire and face-painting.

In his speech, Mr Bush dismissed what he called “exaggerated estimates”.

He said: “The costs are necessary when we consider our strategic victory in Iraq.”

“If we can’t go a little crazy to the Grease megamix in this great nation of ours, then we truly have lost to the terrorists.”

Meanwhile, near the northern city of Kirkuk, US troops shot dead three Iraqi policemen by mistake, an incident officials described as “a tragic accident, which was sincerely regretted”.

“The officers thought they were charging, but in fact it was a conga line than had just got out of control.”



8 02 2008

Tornadoes have killed at least 11 people in the southern United States, astonishing local people who chose to live in a region world famous for tornado activity.

The US Storm Prediction Center (SPC) had earlier issued a rare “major severe weather outbreak” warning for the eastern third of the US.

“What we were saying is if you were idiot enough to live there in the first place, then get the hell out,” said SRC spokesperson Lily Evageline.


Over 60 people died and hundreds were injured as an estimated 80 twisters hit Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama and Mississippi.

One storm wrecked a school building in Alabama, killing at least five people. Headmaster Jim Martin remained adamant that allowing the school to open was the right thing to do.

“You say the word ‘tornado’ to a man, they think of 1996 movie Twister. You think of Twister, you think of the flying cow scene.”

“Now I am firm in my belief that flying cows do not pose an immediate threat to a man. That’s why I left the school open, despite the TV and radio screaming we were all going to die.”

Across the Southern states, stories of personal loss and tragedy were juxtaposed by the base stupidity of Americans deliberately living in the path of natural disaster.

“When we moved here three years ago, local people told us it might get a mite windy,” chuckled retired farmer Rusty Shepperton, still cradling in his arms the cold body of wife Betty, killed yesterday morning by a fallen telegraph pole.

President George W Bush has offered federal help to the states of Alabama and Missouri, but pointed out that those who choose to put themselves in harm’s way are “not necessarily worthy of government aid.”

“Throw as much money at the situation as you like, ” commented Bush, “you can’t cure stupid.”


27 09 2007

US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice has urged Israel and Lebanon to resolve the escalating crisis, by playing a game of Risk.

On Monday she will meet Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, as the US tries to assist the two sides in bringing an end to violence in the region.

In an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council tonight, Ms Rice said: “Our intention is to resolve this situation and avoid further bloodshed, by substituting it for virtual bloodshed.”

“Although this will mean a catostrophic loss of imaginary lives – we estimate upwards of several million make-believe dead in the first hour alone – it is a price worth paying at this time,” added Rice.

This is not the first time warring factions have looked to board games to avert further loss of life. In 1982, the British government swiftly ended the Falklands war in the South West Atlantic by resorting to a game of Battleships, manufactured by MB Games.


Meanwhile, US President George Bush rejected criticism that his methods for solving such deeply rooted hostility were “simplistic in the extreme”.

“The strategy involved is mind blowing,” countered Bush.

“I’d like to see them seize control of Australia or South America first. Trying to establish a foothold in Asia is near impossible with so many borders to defend.”

Bush also urged Israel and Lebanon to cease hostilities immediately and avoid further civilian casualties.

“War is always the last resort, never the first,” Bush told the UN Security Council.

“Unless we start it.”


5 09 2007

US researchers that invented a bionic eye capable of restoring sight to the blind, are being taken to court by the Office of Scientific Intelligence (OSI), it was disclosed today.

Oscar Goldman, former director of the Washington DC based OCI claims the device, which has received worldwide attention in recent days, was first developed by his department in the mid-1970s.

“This so-called ‘new’ Argus II system uses a spectacle-mounted camera to feed visual information to electrodes in the eye,” said Goldman outside his retirement home in Florida yesterday, “something we were doing three decades ago.”


“I’ve been in touch with the government regarding a lawsuit, they’re on the case.”

Goldman refers to former top secret case studies dating back 30 years, including experiments to create the world’s first cyborg, after a near fatal accident involving a NASA astronaut.

“We didn’t just stop at the eyes though,” scoffed Goldman, ” we went the whole nine yeards. We developed bionic legs, bionic arms, even bionic hearing.”

“No, wait. The hearing was for the tennis player,” added Goldman, cryptically.

The research was presented at the American Association for the Advancement of Science (AAAS) annual meeting in San Francisco, US by Professor Mark Humayun, from the University of Southern California.

“Goldman’s research was rubbish, and certainly not the basis of this exciting new development in bionic technology,” said Humayun, in response to Goldman’s claims.

“Take the bionic legs, for example. The guy ran slower when he used them, not faster.”

“That doesn’t make any sense at all.”


19 08 2007

Emergency services continuing the task of finding survivors following last week’s Peruvian earthquake, have brought in magic horses to assist them.

The 8.0-magnitude tremor left at least 500 people dead and thousands homeless. The Ica region, south of the capital Lima, was devastated by the quake.

Alain Macedo, the mayor of Pisco – one of the region’s worst-affected cities – said he could not say how many people were still trapped in the rubble, but that the mystical equine beasts were key to preventing further lives being lost.

“Their otherworldly powers, while somewhat vague in their manifestation, will be a great source of hope and relief to my people,” said Macedo while touring the worst affected districts of Pisco.


However, as hopes diminish of finding further survivors in the rubble of homes shaken to the ground by the tremors, not all are confident in the mayor’s handling of the disaster.

International Red Cross worker Bradley Raphael believes that far from assisting his team, rescue efforts are being severely hindered.

“The magic horses haven’t helped us at all,” said Raphael. “Everywhere you turn, there’s a fucking horse staring at you.”

“There are women and children trapped under tonnes of rubble, and all they’ve done is shit all over.”


18 08 2007

Observers of today’s Turkish plane hijacking have branded it a farce, after all 136 passengers and crew escaped unharmed.

The Atlas plane was travelling from northern Cyprus to Istanbul when two men – a Turkish national and a Syrian – tried to divert it to Iran.


Instead, the pilot landed the plane in the southern city of Antalya, claiming it needed

The hijackers announced after the plane landed that women and children could leave, but when the emergency exits were opened everyone rushed out, screaming – according to one onlooker – like a bunch of girls.

“What can I say? This was a missed opportunity,” said Turkish National Defense Minister Sabahattin Cakmakoglu.

“Where was the semi-automatic weapon fire? Where were the bullet-riddled corpses thrown from a height onto the runway? The entire hijack from start to finish reflects badly on Turkey.”

“The first rule of hijacking is to cut the throat of some nameless infidel to establish respect and control. Have they never seen United 93? While unsuccessful in their mission, it was textbook.”

The men are not thought to have had guns or other weapons, and while passengers describe a suspect package which may have been a tin of biscuits rather than a bomb, officials in northern Cyprus say they have no reason to believe there were explosives on board.

“Where are are the days of Middle East terrorists holding hostages on the tarmac under a sweltering sun for days on end?” said Cakmakoglu. “Have we lost our taste for adventure?”

“These jokers couldn’t hijack a Monday morning sales meeting.”