19 03 2008

President George W Bush has thrown a surprise party to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq.

In the Oval office of the White House this afternoon, Bush prepared by hiding behind the curtains and giggling into his hand.

“It thinks its coming for some heavy meeting about strategic ground deployments in the northern provinces. Instead we’re going to have one hell of a night, dancing and drinking some wild turkey I put away for a special occasion.”

“It’s what the people of Iraq would want, and expect.”

Vice president Dick Cheney, who had spent the afternoon preparing the buffet, said it was a fraught time for all in government.

“Somebody forgot the paper plates, and then we couldn’t find the cocktail sticks for the pickled onion and cheese. It was touch and go for a moment, as you can imagine.”

The celebrations come amid criticism in the US of the war, with some opponents pointing to the rising cost of bouncy castle hire and face-painting.

In his speech, Mr Bush dismissed what he called “exaggerated estimates”.

He said: “The costs are necessary when we consider our strategic victory in Iraq.”

“If we can’t go a little crazy to the Grease megamix in this great nation of ours, then we truly have lost to the terrorists.”

Meanwhile, near the northern city of Kirkuk, US troops shot dead three Iraqi policemen by mistake, an incident officials described as “a tragic accident, which was sincerely regretted”.

“The officers thought they were charging, but in fact it was a conga line than had just got out of control.”



27 09 2007

US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice has urged Israel and Lebanon to resolve the escalating crisis, by playing a game of Risk.

On Monday she will meet Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, as the US tries to assist the two sides in bringing an end to violence in the region.

In an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council tonight, Ms Rice said: “Our intention is to resolve this situation and avoid further bloodshed, by substituting it for virtual bloodshed.”

“Although this will mean a catostrophic loss of imaginary lives – we estimate upwards of several million make-believe dead in the first hour alone – it is a price worth paying at this time,” added Rice.

This is not the first time warring factions have looked to board games to avert further loss of life. In 1982, the British government swiftly ended the Falklands war in the South West Atlantic by resorting to a game of Battleships, manufactured by MB Games.


Meanwhile, US President George Bush rejected criticism that his methods for solving such deeply rooted hostility were “simplistic in the extreme”.

“The strategy involved is mind blowing,” countered Bush.

“I’d like to see them seize control of Australia or South America first. Trying to establish a foothold in Asia is near impossible with so many borders to defend.”

Bush also urged Israel and Lebanon to cease hostilities immediately and avoid further civilian casualties.

“War is always the last resort, never the first,” Bush told the UN Security Council.

“Unless we start it.”


1 09 2007

The UK is to deploy nearly one quarter of the entire British population to Afghanistan, Des Browne has told MPs.

The defence secretary said the move was “manageable”, despite the fact that nearly all those to be sent have no combat experience whatsoever.

Browne says good bye to the innocent ones

And, in a Commons statement, he said it would be an “error” to believe that the decision to send untrained mothers and children was the result of a drunken round of I Have Never, played in a private MPs bar during the early hours of the previous morning.

“The singular reason for sending one in four UK residents to a bloody war zone where most will be turned into limbless sacks of flesh,” stated Browne, “is that our tactics have proved hopelessly ineffective in Iraq. We haven’t won a war since the Falklands, and that wasn’t even a proper war.”

“Just don’t tell Simon Weston that. He’ll freak. Not that you could tell.”

The majority will be deployed over summer and will be mainly based in the volatile province of Helmand, where UK forces have been fighting the Taleban.

“We’ll be sending women and children under three in first, since they’re the slowest – toddlers can barely stand up straight and the wives won’t get far chained to the sink,” joked Browne to a largely silent Parliament.