28 09 2007

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JEREMY KYLE PUT DOWN AFTER TWISTING ANKLE

25 09 2007

ITV presenter Jeremy Kyle has been shot dead, after falling down a flight of stairs.

The incident occurred at the network’s head office following a meeting between Kyle and senior management.

It is believed the mid-morning presenter fell only a few steps and twisted his left ankle, but that the injury was viewed by management as justification enough to have him executed.

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Simon Shaps, Programme Director of ITV1 said it was necessary to prevent the viewing public from further suffering, and that Kyle’s best interests were ultimately at heart.

“Jeremy was a fiercely proud man,” Shaps told Trevor MacDonald for the Tonight programme.

“He would rather be put down like a rabid dog, then live life as a man with two healthy ankles, one of which was once slightly twisted.”

Kyle had recently found his daytime chat show the subject of tabloid headlines. Recent topics on the programme have included “he wanted to put it in my ear” and “your mother is your sister, you fucking goggle-eyed freak”.

The Daily Mail meanwhile, has ended its long-running campaign to expose Kyle as a Nazi.

The bloated, bloodied carcass is awaiting a post-mortem before being burnt on open wasteground in Maidstone. Rodents are thought to have gnawed away the most sinful parts of the body.





18 09 2007

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DRIVERS TO BE JAILED FOR THE SHEER HELL OF IT

12 09 2007

The government is set to introduce controversial new vehicle laws that will bans items and procedures that may cause a distraction to the driver.

The list of nearly 30 items to warrant a possible ban and imprisonment includes CD players, cup holders, air conditioning and rear-view mirrors.

Motorists will also be prosecuted for idly glancing at their speedometer, or daydreaming about whether their children will grow up to be happy.

Transport minister Dr Stephen Ladyman said those who flouted the law were “selfishly” endangering others, but a drivers’ group criticised the move.

In 2006, 27 deaths and nearly 700 injuries were blamed on drivers using an FM radio. Three deaths alone were caused by drivers impatiently retuning from Radio 2 when Jeremy Vine’s lunchtime show began.

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Dr Ladyman said the new penalties would be combined with a “hard-hitting” television campaign.

“We have been working with the constabularies around the country, so that they are ready to help us enforce it.”

“Any item or procedure found to be causing a reasonable distraction while a vehicle is in transit – be it opening the sunroof or changing gear – may see drivers in court and, in severe cases, beheaded in public.”

Inspector Douglas Kirkham, from Lothian and Borders Road Policing Branch, warned drivers could be prosecuted if they were wearing uncomfortable clothing, or observing the road ahead for too long.

He said: “If you stare at the sight in front of you for too long, you are distracted, and therefore not in proper control of your vehicle, and an offence will have been committed.”