BBC AXES NONEXISTENT TV CHANNEL TO PACIFY GOVERNMENT

16 10 2007

The BBC has decommissioned a digital tv channel before it was planned, to satisfy spending cuts to the corporation.

BBC 5 was described in an internal document as a “channel for fisters, fistees and lube” before the plug was pulled by officials.

With budget cuts on the way, there have been calls to close a channel in order to safeguard quality in other areas. Digital TV channels BBC Three and Four are safe from the axe “at the moment”.

Up to 2,800 jobs are reportedly at risk as he attempts to deal with a £2bn budget shortfall caused by a smaller than hoped-for licence fee settlement.

“BBC Three is targeted at young people without a developed sense of humour, which we know to be an audience the BBC doesn’t adequately cover, and BBC Four tries to capture what we might call the best-informed social deviants,” said chairman Sir Michael Lyons.

The BBC Trust had hoped that merely inventing the concept of a station only to close it down, thereby saving millions of imaginary pounds would be enough for the government to reconsider the settlement.

“It’s true part of the BBC’s ambition to touch every part of the audience, to offer something special to every single licence fee payer.”

“However, BBC 5 would have been aimed at a very narrow demographic. Fisting, though hugely enjoyable, is not widely practised and would not have been an effective spend of the license fee,” concluded Lyons.

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FOETAL FINGERPRINT PLAN CONSIDERED

16 09 2007

Proposals to fingerprint unborn children as part of ID card plans are being considered.

Immigration minister Liam Byrne exclusively told The Daily Daily the proposals were being “looked at”.

The government has expressed concerns that as the average age of children committing crime in the UK decreases, police authorities face the real prospect of smack addicted toddlers pimping out Eastern European girls, before they can even crawl.

“This problem is very real, in as far as we’ve imagined it could be real,” stated Byrne.

“I find nothing more terrifying right now, than a judge of this land issuing a near full-term womb with an ASBO.”

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Shadow home secretary David Davis said the proposal “borders on the sinister” and added it showed the government was trying to end the presumption of innocence.

“A child, a baby, an embryo, even a handful of warm sperm – all these stages of society must remain innocent until found guilty.”

“The determination to build a surveillance state behind the backs of the British people with a woman’s legs raised high in stirrups is becoming increasingly sinister,” said Liberal Democrat home affairs spokesman Nick Clegg.

“Nobody is questioning that kids are little bastards.”





MARRIED MAN “STILL MILKING THE MONKEY” CLAIM

13 09 2007

A newlywed believes her husband of just two months to be actively masturbating, it was reported yesterday.

Stephanie Simpson, 27, of Matlock, is convinced 31 year old Martin Simpson has pleasured himself at least twice in the last week.

Mrs Simpson’s became suspicious of her husband’s extra-marital activities just three weeks into the marriage.

“I was waiting for the bathroom and could hear grunting and a sort of moist, rapid squeaking sound. When I called out, Martin said he was washing the windows yet when I checked later, the windows were still dirty.”

Four days later, Mrs Simpson was awoken during the night by her husband’s shallow breathing and a gentle rocking motion.

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“I asked him about it at breakfast,” said the part-time receptionist, “and he put it down to a bad dream about a lion.”

The discovery of an unwashed beige sock in Mr Simpson’s underwear drawer, finally led his wife to believe her partner to be actively self-loving whilst married.

“We have a reasonably healthly sex life – maybe once or twice a week – and only last week I performed oral sex on him during Deal Or No Deal,” explained Mrs Simpson, fighting back the tears, “so why would he even consider doing that sort of thing?”

“They stop all that as soon as you start dating, don’t they?”





HOMOPHOBIC WOMAN TOO LAZY TO SPEAK HER MIND

3 09 2007

A woman from Devon has been accused of apathy regarding her hatred for gay people.

Lucy Percival, 37, from Bideford is reported to have “no great love” for homosexual men and women, but is yet to verbalise the feelings to friends and work associates.

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“Most people who hate the gays at least make an effort to precede any overtly homophobic statement with ‘don’t get me wrong, most of my friends are gay'”, said one work colleague who asked not to be identified, “but she can’t even be bothered to say that.”

“Her blood boils at the thought of a man been buggered for all he’s worth by another man, but you’d never know it to look at her. It’s just lazy.”

Percival, a optical technician at the local branch of Specsavers, declined to comment on the allegations.

“It infuriates her to think of men fucking each other, pushing their genitals into each others faces for fun,” added Percival’s colleague.

“It’s all she thinks about. Cocks in arseholes. Fanny on fanny. Grinding and writhing and screaming and fluid oozing out of god knows where. Yet you don’t hear a peep out of her on the subject.”

“I mean, if I was homophobic, I’d at least say something about it. I’d probably have a good rant about their disgusting behaviour.”





NECKING COUPLE MAKE TRAIN PASSENGERS “PHYSICALLY SICK”

2 09 2007

There were scenes of violent gagging on board the delayed 1435 from Edinburgh to Kings Cross service yesterday, after a couple openly fooled about in front of other passengers.

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The unnamed pair – a brunette in a tight green rollneck sweater, and a young man in a Killers T-shirt continued slipping the tongue even after a lady sat opposite moved to another carriage in protest.

“They should save that sort of thing for behind closed doors,” said commuter Terry Wallace, 37, “and not for in front of me.”

“It made me want to be physically sick in my hands.”

The couple in their early twenties travelled from Newcastle to York, indulging in various petting techniques, including kissing on the nose and neck, dragging the index finger across the lips and down over the chin, and whispering into one another’s ear while applying gentle kisses to the lobes.

At one point the behaviour constituted “heavy petting” according to onlookers, when the tongues were seen to enter one another’s mouth.

“I don’t care whether they’re hopelessly in love or carrying out an illicit affair,” complained 26 year old receptionist Tracy Bennett, who joined the train at Darlington, “they shouldn’t be doing that where all the world and his wife can see.”

“I haven’t had any for months now, and I don’t need those two rubbing it in, thanks very much.”