19 03 2008

President George W Bush has thrown a surprise party to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq.

In the Oval office of the White House this afternoon, Bush prepared by hiding behind the curtains and giggling into his hand.

“It thinks its coming for some heavy meeting about strategic ground deployments in the northern provinces. Instead we’re going to have one hell of a night, dancing and drinking some wild turkey I put away for a special occasion.”

“It’s what the people of Iraq would want, and expect.”

Vice president Dick Cheney, who had spent the afternoon preparing the buffet, said it was a fraught time for all in government.

“Somebody forgot the paper plates, and then we couldn’t find the cocktail sticks for the pickled onion and cheese. It was touch and go for a moment, as you can imagine.”

The celebrations come amid criticism in the US of the war, with some opponents pointing to the rising cost of bouncy castle hire and face-painting.

In his speech, Mr Bush dismissed what he called “exaggerated estimates”.

He said: “The costs are necessary when we consider our strategic victory in Iraq.”

“If we can’t go a little crazy to the Grease megamix in this great nation of ours, then we truly have lost to the terrorists.”

Meanwhile, near the northern city of Kirkuk, US troops shot dead three Iraqi policemen by mistake, an incident officials described as “a tragic accident, which was sincerely regretted”.

“The officers thought they were charging, but in fact it was a conga line than had just got out of control.”



22 01 2008

Hillary Clinton has launched an astonishing attack on Barack Obama live on American television, labeling him “black” and “afro-american”.

The two Democratic Party candidates clashed in a debate before South Carolina’s primary.

Hilary Clinton

Mr Obama accused Mrs Clinton of saying anything to get elected, including claiming to be a woman. But Mrs Clinton said it was hard to debate with someone who was black and made a knowing look direct into the camera.

The third candidate, John Edwards, accused them of “telling the truth in such a way as to gain the popular vote”.

“She’s got titties, he’s black and they know both it,” fired back Edwards, “meanwhile I’m a middle-class white guy with no redeemable features to speak of.”

The three candidates also debated the economy, Krispy Cremes and the pointlessness of the current administration as it slowly drives the whole planet in a crippling recession.

Monday’s often acrimonious debate saw heated exchanges in which the Illinois senator told Mrs Clinton that he was helping unemployed workers on the streets of Chicago when “you were on the rag and talking about having babies”.

The New York senator retorted that she was fighting against misguided Republican policies “when you were doing your Driving Miss Daisy shit.”