26 09 2007

Ministers should not rule out the possibility of allowing apes to be used in experiments, the head of the UK’s Medical Research Council has said.

Professor Sheila Whiteless said such research was “essential” because the average UK resident was too stupid to take part in tests.

“The average joe is thick as pigshit,” confirmed Whiteless.


In 1997, the government said it would never approve ape research because they were too similar to humans, but there is no law prohibiting the practice.

“That’s exactly why we need to continue with the monkeys,” said Whiteless, “it’s because they’re pretty much the same as us, but without the mind-numbing minutiae of The Bill or Holby City.”

Supporters of animal testing were holding a rally in Oxford, dragging burning effigies of Gary Lucy through the street, while anti-vivisection campaigners were demonstrating in Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire.

Currently 2,800 non-human primates are used in medical research, but the Royal Society and the Academy of Medical Sciences are assessing whether genetically modified rats and mice could be used instead.

“Rats? Do me a favour,” interjects Whiteless. “Does anybody want to see a BBC2 documentary about transplanting the head of one rat onto the body of another? No. They don’t.”

“Can a rat carry a piano up and down the stairs, or make a cup of tea? No. It can’t.”




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