25 09 2007

ITV presenter Jeremy Kyle has been shot dead, after falling down a flight of stairs.

The incident occurred at the network’s head office following a meeting between Kyle and senior management.

It is believed the mid-morning presenter fell only a few steps and twisted his left ankle, but that the injury was viewed by management as justification enough to have him executed.


Simon Shaps, Programme Director of ITV1 said it was necessary to prevent the viewing public from further suffering, and that Kyle’s best interests were ultimately at heart.

“Jeremy was a fiercely proud man,” Shaps told Trevor MacDonald for the Tonight programme.

“He would rather be put down like a rabid dog, then live life as a man with two healthy ankles, one of which was once slightly twisted.”

Kyle had recently found his daytime chat show the subject of tabloid headlines. Recent topics on the programme have included “he wanted to put it in my ear” and “your mother is your sister, you fucking goggle-eyed freak”.

The Daily Mail meanwhile, has ended its long-running campaign to expose Kyle as a Nazi.

The bloated, bloodied carcass is awaiting a post-mortem before being burnt on open wasteground in Maidstone. Rodents are thought to have gnawed away the most sinful parts of the body.




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