President George W Bush has thrown a surprise party to celebrate the fifth anniversary of the US-led invasion of Iraq.

In the Oval office of the White House this afternoon, Bush prepared by hiding behind the curtains and giggling into his hand.

“It thinks its coming for some heavy meeting about strategic ground deployments in the northern provinces. Instead we’re going to have one hell of a night, dancing and drinking some wild turkey I put away for a special occasion.”

“It’s what the people of Iraq would want, and expect.”

Vice president Dick Cheney, who had spent the afternoon preparing the buffet, said it was a fraught time for all in government.

“Somebody forgot the paper plates, and then we couldn’t find the cocktail sticks for the pickled onion and cheese. It was touch and go for a moment, as you can imagine.”

The celebrations come amid criticism in the US of the war, with some opponents pointing to the rising cost of bouncy castle hire and face-painting.

In his speech, Mr Bush dismissed what he called “exaggerated estimates”.

He said: “The costs are necessary when we consider our strategic victory in Iraq.”

“If we can’t go a little crazy to the Grease megamix in this great nation of ours, then we truly have lost to the terrorists.”

Meanwhile, near the northern city of Kirkuk, US troops shot dead three Iraqi policemen by mistake, an incident officials described as “a tragic accident, which was sincerely regretted”.

“The officers thought they were charging, but in fact it was a conga line than had just got out of control.”

Tornadoes have killed at least 11 people in the southern United States, astonishing local people who chose to live in a region world famous for tornado activity.

The US Storm Prediction Center (SPC) had earlier issued a rare “major severe weather outbreak” warning for the eastern third of the US.

“What we were saying is if you were idiot enough to live there in the first place, then get the hell out,” said SRC spokesperson Lily Evageline.

Over 60 people died and hundreds were injured as an estimated 80 twisters hit Tennessee, Arkansas, Kentucky, Alabama and Mississippi.

One storm wrecked a school building in Alabama, killing at least five people. Headmaster Jim Martin remained adamant that allowing the school to open was the right thing to do.

“You say the word ‘tornado’ to a man, they think of 1996 movie Twister. You think of Twister, you think of the flying cow scene.”

“Now I am firm in my belief that flying cows do not pose an immediate threat to a man. That’s why I left the school open, despite the TV and radio screaming we were all going to die.”

Across the Southern states, stories of personal loss and tragedy were juxtaposed by the base stupidity of Americans deliberately living in the path of natural disaster.

“When we moved here three years ago, local people told us it might get a mite windy,” chuckled retired farmer Rusty Shepperton, still cradling in his arms the cold body of wife Betty, killed yesterday morning by a fallen telegraph pole.

President George W Bush has offered federal help to the states of Alabama and Missouri, but pointed out that those who choose to put themselves in harm’s way are “not necessarily worthy of government aid.”

“Throw as much money at the situation as you like, ” commented Bush, “you can’t cure stupid.”

Hillary Clinton has launched an astonishing attack on Barack Obama live on American television, labeling him “black” and “afro-american”.

The two Democratic Party candidates clashed in a debate before South Carolina’s primary.

Mr Obama accused Mrs Clinton of saying anything to get elected, including claiming to be a woman. But Mrs Clinton said it was hard to debate with someone who was black and made a knowing look direct into the camera.

The third candidate, John Edwards, accused them of “telling the truth in such a way as to gain the popular vote”.

“She’s got titties, he’s black and they know both it,” fired back Edwards, “meanwhile I’m a middle-class white guy with no redeemable features to speak of.”

The three candidates also debated the economy, Krispy Cremes and the pointlessness of the current administration as it slowly drives the whole planet in a crippling recession.

Monday’s often acrimonious debate saw heated exchanges in which the Illinois senator told Mrs Clinton that he was helping unemployed workers on the streets of Chicago when “you were on the rag and talking about having babies”.

The New York senator retorted that she was fighting against misguided Republican policies “when you were doing your Driving Miss Daisy shit.”

The BBC has decommissioned a digital tv channel before it was planned, to satisfy spending cuts to the corporation.

BBC 5 was described in an internal document as a “channel for fisters, fistees and lube” before the plug was pulled by officials.

With budget cuts on the way, there have been calls to close a channel in order to safeguard quality in other areas. Digital TV channels BBC Three and Four are safe from the axe “at the moment”.

Up to 2,800 jobs are reportedly at risk as he attempts to deal with a £2bn budget shortfall caused by a smaller than hoped-for licence fee settlement.

“BBC Three is targeted at young people without a developed sense of humour, which we know to be an audience the BBC doesn’t adequately cover, and BBC Four tries to capture what we might call the best-informed social deviants,” said chairman Sir Michael Lyons.

The BBC Trust had hoped that merely inventing the concept of a station only to close it down, thereby saving millions of imaginary pounds would be enough for the government to reconsider the settlement.

“It’s true part of the BBC’s ambition to touch every part of the audience, to offer something special to every single licence fee payer.”

“However, BBC 5 would have been aimed at a very narrow demographic. Fisting, though hugely enjoyable, is not widely practised and would not have been an effective spend of the license fee,” concluded Lyons.

Libra Sep 23 – Oct 22
Your hope of finding true love may be fading faster than Declan Donnelly’s hairline, but there’s no excuse for necrophilia, as the police remind you on Sunday.

Scorpio Oct 23 – Nov 21
You had thought vinegar strokes was some sort of swimming activity, until too much tequila and a trip to the toilets with a stag party from Salford on Friday night teaches you otherwise.

Sagittarius Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ve never been backward in coming forward. The fact you are backward to begin with confuses a very simple matter tomorrow.

Capricorn Dec 22 – Jan 20
Your life is put into perspective on Wednesday when a chance meeting with your school maths teacher reminds you that money doesn’t make the world go round, it’s the conservation of angular momentum.

Aquarius Jan 21 – Feb 19
You’ll have a normal week and nothing untoward will happen, going entirely against your stars which have you down as a torso job in a shallow grave by Thursday.

Pisces Feb 20 – Mar 20
Despite what others may tell you, alcohol is your friend. When you wake up in your own faeces and vomit on Friday morning, dear old Jim Beam will help you forget about it. That’s what friends are for.

Aries Mar 21 – Apr 20
Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. Someone’s knocking at the door. Somebody’s ringing the bell. On Sunday.

Taurus Apr 21 – May 21
Your addiction to Facebook becomes so overwhelming on Tuesday, you begin commenting on irrelevant activities you’re carrying out every few minutes, and in the third person.

Gemini May 22 – June 21
The light at the end of the tunnel does indeed prove to be an oncoming train on Tuesday. To rub further salt into the wound, the trolley service will have run out of hot water.

Cancer June 22 – July 22
Who are you? Who who, who who? Intrigue gets the better of you Friday.

Leo July 23 – Aug 23
While lodging a formal complaint with HR concerning your line manager’s sexual discrimination seems a reasonable course of action, it not quite as satisfying as pushing him down seven flights of concrete steps, as you learn on Monday.

Virgo Aug 24 – Sep 22
You’re disappointed to learn this week that the silver lining to the cloud is in fact a tourist-packed 747 disintegrating mid-air due to metal fatigue.

US secretary of state Condoleezza Rice has urged Israel and Lebanon to resolve the escalating crisis, by playing a game of Risk.

On Monday she will meet Lebanese Prime Minister Fuad Siniora and Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert, as the US tries to assist the two sides in bringing an end to violence in the region.

In an emergency meeting of the UN Security Council tonight, Ms Rice said: “Our intention is to resolve this situation and avoid further bloodshed, by substituting it for virtual bloodshed.”

“Although this will mean a catostrophic loss of imaginary lives – we estimate upwards of several million make-believe dead in the first hour alone – it is a price worth paying at this time,” added Rice.

This is not the first time warring factions have looked to board games to avert further loss of life. In 1982, the British government swiftly ended the Falklands war in the South West Atlantic by resorting to a game of Battleships, manufactured by MB Games.

Meanwhile, US President George Bush rejected criticism that his methods for solving such deeply rooted hostility were “simplistic in the extreme”.

“The strategy involved is mind blowing,” countered Bush.

“I’d like to see them seize control of Australia or South America first. Trying to establish a foothold in Asia is near impossible with so many borders to defend.”

Bush also urged Israel and Lebanon to cease hostilities immediately and avoid further civilian casualties.

“War is always the last resort, never the first,” Bush told the UN Security Council.

“Unless we start it.”

Ministers should not rule out the possibility of allowing apes to be used in experiments, the head of the UK’s Medical Research Council has said.

Professor Sheila Whiteless said such research was “essential” because the average UK resident was too stupid to take part in tests.

“The average joe is thick as pigshit,” confirmed Whiteless.

In 1997, the government said it would never approve ape research because they were too similar to humans, but there is no law prohibiting the practice.

“That’s exactly why we need to continue with the monkeys,” said Whiteless, “it’s because they’re pretty much the same as us, but without the mind-numbing minutiae of The Bill or Holby City.”

Supporters of animal testing were holding a rally in Oxford, dragging burning effigies of Gary Lucy through the street, while anti-vivisection campaigners were demonstrating in Moreton-in-Marsh, Gloucestershire.

Currently 2,800 non-human primates are used in medical research, but the Royal Society and the Academy of Medical Sciences are assessing whether genetically modified rats and mice could be used instead.

“Rats? Do me a favour,” interjects Whiteless. “Does anybody want to see a BBC2 documentary about transplanting the head of one rat onto the body of another? No. They don’t.”

“Can a rat carry a piano up and down the stairs, or make a cup of tea? No. It can’t.”

ITV presenter Jeremy Kyle has been shot dead, after falling down a flight of stairs.

The incident occurred at the network’s head office following a meeting between Kyle and senior management.

It is believed the mid-morning presenter fell only a few steps and twisted his left ankle, but that the injury was viewed by management as justification enough to have him executed.

Simon Shaps, Programme Director of ITV1 said it was necessary to prevent the viewing public from further suffering, and that Kyle’s best interests were ultimately at heart.

“Jeremy was a fiercely proud man,” Shaps told Trevor MacDonald for the Tonight programme.

“He would rather be put down like a rabid dog, then live life as a man with two healthy ankles, one of which was once slightly twisted.”

Kyle had recently found his daytime chat show the subject of tabloid headlines. Recent topics on the programme have included “he wanted to put it in my ear” and “your mother is your sister, you fucking goggle-eyed freak”.

The Daily Mail meanwhile, has ended its long-running campaign to expose Kyle as a Nazi.

The bloated, bloodied carcass is awaiting a post-mortem before being burnt on open wasteground in Maidstone. Rodents are thought to have gnawed away the most sinful parts of the body.

Some murderers shouldn’t be in jail because they’re misunderstood by society, Lord Chief Justice Lord Phillips has said.

He voiced doubts as to whether murderers needed locking up at all, commenting that most seemed “a pretty decent sort”.

“Murderers, and in particular mass-murderers and serial killers, show an intense focus and attention to detail you rarely find in people today.”

Lord Phillips, speaking at the University of Birmingham on Thursday, said it was regrettable that the government and society in general “over-reacted” whenever a headless torso was dredged up from a river.

“Show me a man with a suit made of fresh skin hanging in his wardrobe, and I’ll show you a man who works methodically with purpose, drive and ambition. For me, these are qualities that should be applauded by their communities, not frowned upon.”

“The men and women who see these projects through to conclusion work hard in challenging conditions for little reward or thanks – more than can be said for the unemployed and homeless who are worthless leeches that should be clensed from sight.”

Previously, Lord Phillips has spoken out on a number of key issues in the past, including the question of whether bestiality is a crime if the animal in question is “smiling”.